International Symbol for marriage

SEX LIFE OF AN ELECTRON

I got this in an email...enjoy

One night when his charge was at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute little coil to discharge him. He picked up Millie Amp and took her for a ride on his megacycle. They rode across the wheat stone bridge, around the sine wave, and into the magnetic field next to the flowing current. Micro Farad, attracted by Millie's characteristic curve, soon had her field fully excited. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. He inserted it in parallel and began to short circuit her shunt. Fully excited, Millie cried out, "ohm, ohm, give me mho". With his tube at maximum output and her coil vibrating from the current flow, her shunt soon reached maximum heat. The excessive current had shorted her shunt, and Micro's capacity was rapidly discharged, and every electron was drained off. They fluxed all night, tried various connections and hookings until his bar magnet had lost all of its strength, and he could no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so they ended up reversing polarity and blowing each other's fuses.

NEW BULLSHIT IN A BAG...

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD...

Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit! Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit. Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose. When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

Spread the word, that is, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit! Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head........... Well, Shit Happens!!!

Cellulite....

"Cellulite is not an imperfection, those dimples are saying "im sexy" in braille ..... "

;)

Strangers on a train

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Although they were embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 am , the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold".

"I have a better idea, " she replied. " Just for tonight, let's just pretend that we're married. "
"Wow! That's a great idea! " he exclaimed!

"Good, " she replied... " Get your own f***ing blanket. "

After a stunned moment of silence, he farted.

If you ever feel a little stupid...

If you ever feel a little stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius .

_____________________________________

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USAcontest .
______________________________________

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey
______________________________________

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .
______________________________________

" I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett , Universityof Kentuckybasketball forward.
______________________________________

"Outside of the killings, Washingtonhas one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
-- Mayor Marion Barry , Washington , DC.
______________________________________

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
______________________________________

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Philliesmanager, Danny Ozark
______________________________________

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Al Gore , Vice President
______________________________________

"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."
-- Dan Quayle
______________________________________

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-- Lee Iacocca
______________________________________

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein ."

-- Joe Theisman , NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
______________________________________

"We don'! t necessarilydiscriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman , ROTC Instrutor .
______________________________________

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
______________________________________

"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
-- Keppel Enderbery
______________________________________

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
-- Mark S. Fowler , FCC Chairman
______________________________________

Feeling smarter yet?

A WISE OLD CHINESE MAN NAMED CONFUCIOUS...

Confucius say…
Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.

Confucius say...
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Confucius say...
Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

Confucius say...
He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

Confucius say...
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.

Confucius say...
Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak.

Confucius say...
Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.

Confucius say...
Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honourable discharge.

Confucius say...
Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Confucius say...
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

Confucius say...
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

Confucius say...
He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.


Confucius say...
Man who go to sleep with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger.

Confucius say...
Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!

Confucius say...
"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."

Confucius say...
"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."

Confucius say...
"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"

Confucius say...
"It take many nail to build crib, but one screw to fill it."

Confucius say...
"Man who live in glass house should change in basement......

Car Crashes

What do normal people say before a car crash?: "OH F*CK!"

Grand people?: "OH GOODNESS!"

The people from Durbs?: "HOLD MY DOP. WATCH THIS F*CKING MOVE!"

FLIP

....ɟ1ǝsɹnoʎ ʇɹnɥ ʇ,uop
:sı ʞsɐ ı 11ɐ.....spɐǝɥ ɹıǝɥʇ uo buıpuɐʇs ǝɹɐ oɥʍ sɹǝɥʇo 11ıʇs ǝɹɐ ǝɹǝɥʇ ǝsoddns ı puɐ .pɐǝɥ s;ʇı uo doʇdɐ1 ǝɥʇ pǝuɹnʇ ɹo ɹoʇıuoɯ ɹǝʇndɯoɔ ǝɥʇ pǝddı1ɟ ǝʌɐɥ oɥʍ noʎ ɟo ǝɯos ǝq 11ıʍ ǝɹǝɥʇ puɐ 'ʍou ʇɥbıɹ noʎ ɟo ʇo1 ɐ buısnɟuoɔ ɯ,ı ʍouʞ ı 'sǝʎ
¡1ooɔ ʎɹǝʌ ʎɹǝʌ 11ıʇs ʇnq....ssǝ1ǝsn ɥɔnɯ ʎʇʇǝɹd s,ʇı ʎ11ɐnʇɔɐ '11ǝʍ .qǝʍ ǝɥʇ uo 1ooʇ buıʞɐǝɹɟ buızɐɯɐ ʇsoɯ ǝɥʇ pǝɹǝʌoɔsıp ʇsnظ ı

A Fatwa on Football

The legal opinions proclaimed by Islamic scholars, known as fatwas, have proliferated in the Muslim world since the 1980s. The growth in fatwas - some of them contradictory - has led to debate over who can legitimately issue them. As part of a government drive to eliminate frivolous fatwas, the Saudi newspaper Al Watan recently published one such edict setting out new rules for football. We publish an edited translation below.


In the name of God the merciful and benevolent:

1. International terminology that heretics use, such as "foul," "penalty", "corner," "goal", "out" and others, should be abandoned and not said. Whoever says them should be punished and ejected from the game.

2. Do not call "foul" and stop the game if someone falls and sprains a hand or foot or the ball touches his hand, and do not give a yellow or red card to whoever was responsible for the injury or tackle. Instead, it should be adjudicated according to Sharia rulings concerning broken bones and injuries.

3. Do not follow the heretics, the Jews, the Christians and especially evil America regarding the number of players. Do not play with 11 people. Add to this number or decrease it.

4. Play in your regular clothes or your pyjamas or something like that, but not coloured shorts and numbered T-shirts, because shorts and T-shirts are not Muslim clothing. Rather, they are heretical and western clothing, so beware of imitating their fashion.

5. If you have fulfilled these conditions and intend to play soccer, play to strengthen the body in order better to struggle in the way of God on high and to prepare the body for when it is called to jihad. Soccer is not for passing time or the thrill of so-called victory.

6. Do not play in two halves. Rather, play in one half or three halves in order to completely differentiate yourselves from the heretics, the corrupted and the disobedient.

7. If neither of you beats the other, or "wins", as it is called, and neither puts the leather between the posts, do not add extra time or penalties. Instead leave the field, because winning with extra time and penalty kicks is the pinnacle of imitating heretics and international rules.

8. Young crowds should not gather to watch when you play because if you are there for the sake of sports and strengthening your bodies as you claimed, why would people watch you? You should make them join your physical fitness and jihad preparation, or you should say: "Go proselytise and seek out morally reprehensible acts in the markets and the press and leave us to our physical fitness."

9. You should spit in the face of whoever puts the ball between the posts or uprights and then runs in order to get his friends to follow him and hug him like players in America or France do, and you should punish him, for what is the relationship between celebrating, hugging and kissing and the sports that you are practising?

10. You should use two posts instead of three pieces of wood or steel that you erect in order to put the ball between them, meaning that you should remove the crossbar in order not to imitate the heretics and in order to be entirely distinct from the soccer system's despotic international rules.

11. Do not do what is called "substitution," that is, taking the place of someone who has fallen, because this is a practice of the heretics in America and elsewhere.

GUYS AND GALS...

The difference between "guts" and "balls"...

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, beingassaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are youstill cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling ofperfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the assand having the balls to say, "You're next."

Penny arcade

HELP IS ON THE WAY...

This should help with your suckiness problem...

Directions: Take 2 and call your doctor if things go wrong.

Side-Effects: Things go wrong!!

Suckers

Things that suck today:

1. Dirty Laundry
2. Unexpected smses from unexpected people.
3. Flies

What about you??

CHINESE PROVERBS...

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get t yred.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Old but good

HOW TO MAKE LOVE...

Ingredients:

4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana


Directions:

1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4 Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat 4 steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

Notes:

1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.

CAPETONIANS IN IRAQ...

FATHERLY ADVICE...

Son (S) : Why is making love so enjoyable.
Father (F): It is just like the sensation when you are digging your nose with your finger!!

S : Why do women enjoy sex more than men
F : It is because when you dig your nose, your nose feels more comfort than your finger.

S : Why do women hate it when they get raped?
F : It is like when you are walking on the street, someone else comes over and digs in our nose, do you like it??

S : Why can women not have sex when they are? menstruating?
F : If your nose is bleeding, do you still dig it??

S : Why do men not like to wear condoms when they are making love?
F : Do you like to dig your nose with a glove on your finger?

S : Why is making love carried out in private?
F : Will you dig you nose in front of your class? Stupid!

S : What is an orgasm?
F : The same as sneezing, but the other way round

S : Is it true that women love big dicks?
F : Ever tried picking your nose with your thumb?

PORN FLAKES ANYONE?

PLAN FOR TODAY...

SPIDERMAN 4: THE LAST EPISODE...

Porsche Drivers...

Just came back from gym where I swim at least twice a week. It's a fairly upmarket gym. Usually one or two 1 million rand motor vehicles in the parking lot. Tonight this fool was walking around the changeroom in a towel, opening every unlocked locker door to find his bag. He sat down on the bench in tears almost, saying: "My bag is gone..." This was quickly followed up by: ".....everything was in the bag, including my Porsche keys."

And although I felt sorry for the guy, what was going through my head was.....What sort of idiot drives a Porsche but can't afford a freaking lock for a gym locker?

Combo Breaker

Jenna says:
I
Jenna says:
l
Jenna says:
o
Jenna says:
v
Jenna says:
e
Jenna says:
y
David says:
C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!
Jenna says:
what the **** is your problem?
Jenna says:
why do you always do that?

Gah. Why?! And I shouldn't let it bother me. But gah!

I need coco pops

THE GREAT...

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

My Babys...wooohooooo

Yah so Madrid took the La Liga title wooohooo....thats my babies...but yah it should have been a final decider on neutral ground like Serie A (thanks waseem for the info)...actually all leagues should adapt that coz goal differences also has discrepancies but any YAY YAY YAY they got league wooohooo

Ha Ha

Yes I'm laughing at a multi-billionaire heiress, shame on me.

my first bullshit experience

i decided to play it safe

Pointless post

P: How Long do you plan on growing your hair for?
MJ: Five months
P: No you fucking idiot! Length
MJ: Oh...

Zulu Sierra Kilo....whats yours?

In case it wasn't completely obvious, the name of the title is simply my initials in the International Radio Operators Alphabet. If you're interested, here's the full alphabet. What's your name?

Alpha	Bravo	Charlie	Delta	Echo
Foxtrot	Golf	Hotel	India	Juliet
Kilo	Lima	Mike	November	Oscar
Papa	Quebec	Romeo	Sierra	Tango
Uniform	Victor	Whiskey	X-Ray	Yankee
Zulu

THE DEFINITION OF INNOCENCE...

A nun working in a condom factory thinking that she's making sleeping bags for little mice!!!

FIVE BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

5. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

4. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."

3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Tippex thinners. You probably got here just in time."

2. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?

And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at yourdesk...1. Raise your head slowly and say, "Amen."

MOUSE PAD FOR MEN!!!

Finally they have done it!!! Introducing the latest technology in computer aids...The next generation mouse pad... made to stimulate both body and minds...

Sadly girls the only version out at present is the mens version, however women are encouraged to try the current version with male supervision! ;)

Cowabunga

If i was a ninja turtle , i'd be
Leonardo for his leadership qualities
donatello because he was intelligent
michaelangilo because he loved his food
and raphael because he was a dick!

I love you all

Im wrıtıng thıs ın turkısh ...hectıc. ı love you all.ı thınk thıs makes my spellıng even worseö. you should see thıs keybpard. just a message ıim alıve - theres alot of polıce around for our safety.

My bullshıt questıon for the day: Why the heck are turkısh people so unfırnedly? IM HOMESICK!

Mıssıng youll all stacks!

P.S:....er..now ım goıng to Gonderıyı yayımla thıs page....I dont know what that means but thıs blogger ım usıng ıs ın turkısh.

Mwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah....i)

I want to come home now! or go back to Makkah.

Remote Control

KMan this is apparently what women want ... I was just thinking what mens remote would look like, im sure it would be a whole lot less buttons. Cook, iron, clean, give head, undress, turn around etc. Sorry thats bit out of character for me lol but im a growing boy after all :D

Affection

I could have loved you....

if you were just a little prettier

Stormtrooper

Now he got some last night

Female StormTrooper : Oh Nigel!
Male StormTropper: I have to ask your something
Female StormTrooper: What is it?
Male Storm Tropper: Whose your daddy?
Female StormTrooper: Darth is my daddy!
Male StormTropper: NO I AM YOUR DADDY?
Female StormTrooper: OH NIGEL!!!!!!!!!.. not your lightsaber again!
Male StormTropper: Honey Millenium Falcon called it is hmmmmm!
Female StormTrooper: OH NIGEL.....!!!! I love it when you talk Yoda.....

But it happened

A punch-up at a wedding... It happens... Like the bridesmaid who
farted loudly during the 'I do' part. Or the best man who's viagra
didn't wear off from the night before... I'm just saying it happens...
Shit... You know, it just does... So you gonna be embarrassed by it or
run away? Just let it go and move on. This post was supposed to be
funny, i don't know. Fuck it. Peace, m.

Ok whats the story with girls?

Why do girls take so long in the bathroom?

Why do they go in packs or groups ? Do you guys help each other?

Why do girls feel it necessary to hug fellow girls when they meet or leave?

Do girls tell to their girlfriends about everything?

Matching underwear and clothes is it essential?

Have you ever wondered why exactly your bum looks big in that jeans?... stop asking

Why do girls moan about the bad guys but go for the bad guys?

What the hell do you guys keep in your purses/bags/fake louie vetton?

Does a GHD make your life better?

What in the blue hell does GHD stand for?

Why do you guys find is necesary to form large man hate groups if one jackass (THAT YOU PICKED) hurts you?

Why do girls never admit to stuff like farting, drooling or burping..... we know you do it


More to follow............

Drama Queens

Some males are more like Drama Queens than females.

Should we call them Drama Kings (D.K)?

O_o

Turtle Neck

Behold the turtle. He only makes progress when he sticks his neck out

- James Bryant Conant, Past President of Harvard University -

thought.

what kind of cows do cheese get squeezed from?

for when words escape you

www.someecards.com

E-mail List

Widening the crack

Opinions are like bums...Everyone has one and it usually stinks...or shits...........Kman 2007 (copylefted from God knows)

BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN SOUTH AFRICA...

1. Indicating will give away your next move. A real driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled by two Golfs, a BMW and an Uno, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will only result in you being rear-ended.

5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

6. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way to check if the people entering the highway are awake.

7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a guideline. They are especially not applicable in during rush hour. That's why it's called 'rush hour...'.

8. Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tyre. Never stop to help - you will be mugged.

10. Learn to swerve abruptly. Gauteng is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to the Metro Police Department, which puts holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keeps them on their toes.

11. It is traditional to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green. This prevents storks from building nests on top of the traffic light and miners from making deposits on your car.

12. Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first by whatever means necessary.

13. On average, at least three cars can still go through an intersection after the light has turned red. It's people not adhering to this basic principal that cause the big traffic jams during rush hour.

14. A solid white line is the same as a staggered line. The Metro Police Department just have to save paint to buy new cars for all the new directors. A solid white line next to a staggered line means they have sorted the directors out and the paint contract has been awarded to their wives.

I bullshit you Not!

Do you know that if some drunk piss head injures you or kills someone, inorder to convict him you have to prove him innocent and without capacity before you can find him guilty.......Prove him innocent before proving him guilty....Strange law


I have a craving for mashmellows and hot chocolate hmmm

For the guys...

i really want to know this, though i have a vague idea as to what the answer is going to be.. bu my question is...

Do guys know the difference between La Senza and Asmall's underwear???

if u not from Durban, replace Asmalls to Pep Stores!!!

In the End

This is the place were every one has a voice so if you wanna be added just drop a mail to me with the relevant info...
this place is freedom to all post what you want as you want but be prepared to take the fire that comes your way if you wish to play with matches :D
did i even make any sense there lol god knows god cares but you get the idea!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bring it on you mo' fcukers!!!!