Cellulite....

"Cellulite is not an imperfection, those dimples are saying "im sexy" in braille ..... "

;)

Strangers on a train

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Although they were embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 am , the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold".

"I have a better idea, " she replied. " Just for tonight, let's just pretend that we're married. "
"Wow! That's a great idea! " he exclaimed!

"Good, " she replied... " Get your own f***ing blanket. "

After a stunned moment of silence, he farted.

If you ever feel a little stupid...

If you ever feel a little stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius .

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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USAcontest .
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .
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" I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett , Universityof Kentuckybasketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washingtonhas one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
-- Mayor Marion Barry , Washington , DC.
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Philliesmanager, Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Al Gore , Vice President
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"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."
-- Dan Quayle
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-- Lee Iacocca
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein ."

-- Joe Theisman , NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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"We don'! t necessarilydiscriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman , ROTC Instrutor .
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
-- Keppel Enderbery
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
-- Mark S. Fowler , FCC Chairman
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Feeling smarter yet?

A WISE OLD CHINESE MAN NAMED CONFUCIOUS...

Confucius say…
Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.

Confucius say...
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Confucius say...
Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

Confucius say...
He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

Confucius say...
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.

Confucius say...
Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak.

Confucius say...
Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.

Confucius say...
Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honourable discharge.

Confucius say...
Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Confucius say...
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

Confucius say...
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

Confucius say...
He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.


Confucius say...
Man who go to sleep with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger.

Confucius say...
Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!

Confucius say...
"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."

Confucius say...
"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."

Confucius say...
"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"

Confucius say...
"It take many nail to build crib, but one screw to fill it."

Confucius say...
"Man who live in glass house should change in basement......

Car Crashes

What do normal people say before a car crash?: "OH F*CK!"

Grand people?: "OH GOODNESS!"

The people from Durbs?: "HOLD MY DOP. WATCH THIS F*CKING MOVE!"

FLIP

....ɟ1ǝsɹnoʎ ʇɹnɥ ʇ,uop
:sı ʞsɐ ı 11ɐ.....spɐǝɥ ɹıǝɥʇ uo buıpuɐʇs ǝɹɐ oɥʍ sɹǝɥʇo 11ıʇs ǝɹɐ ǝɹǝɥʇ ǝsoddns ı puɐ .pɐǝɥ s;ʇı uo doʇdɐ1 ǝɥʇ pǝuɹnʇ ɹo ɹoʇıuoɯ ɹǝʇndɯoɔ ǝɥʇ pǝddı1ɟ ǝʌɐɥ oɥʍ noʎ ɟo ǝɯos ǝq 11ıʍ ǝɹǝɥʇ puɐ 'ʍou ʇɥbıɹ noʎ ɟo ʇo1 ɐ buısnɟuoɔ ɯ,ı ʍouʞ ı 'sǝʎ
¡1ooɔ ʎɹǝʌ ʎɹǝʌ 11ıʇs ʇnq....ssǝ1ǝsn ɥɔnɯ ʎʇʇǝɹd s,ʇı ʎ11ɐnʇɔɐ '11ǝʍ .qǝʍ ǝɥʇ uo 1ooʇ buıʞɐǝɹɟ buızɐɯɐ ʇsoɯ ǝɥʇ pǝɹǝʌoɔsıp ʇsnظ ı

A Fatwa on Football

The legal opinions proclaimed by Islamic scholars, known as fatwas, have proliferated in the Muslim world since the 1980s. The growth in fatwas - some of them contradictory - has led to debate over who can legitimately issue them. As part of a government drive to eliminate frivolous fatwas, the Saudi newspaper Al Watan recently published one such edict setting out new rules for football. We publish an edited translation below.


In the name of God the merciful and benevolent:

1. International terminology that heretics use, such as "foul," "penalty", "corner," "goal", "out" and others, should be abandoned and not said. Whoever says them should be punished and ejected from the game.

2. Do not call "foul" and stop the game if someone falls and sprains a hand or foot or the ball touches his hand, and do not give a yellow or red card to whoever was responsible for the injury or tackle. Instead, it should be adjudicated according to Sharia rulings concerning broken bones and injuries.

3. Do not follow the heretics, the Jews, the Christians and especially evil America regarding the number of players. Do not play with 11 people. Add to this number or decrease it.

4. Play in your regular clothes or your pyjamas or something like that, but not coloured shorts and numbered T-shirts, because shorts and T-shirts are not Muslim clothing. Rather, they are heretical and western clothing, so beware of imitating their fashion.

5. If you have fulfilled these conditions and intend to play soccer, play to strengthen the body in order better to struggle in the way of God on high and to prepare the body for when it is called to jihad. Soccer is not for passing time or the thrill of so-called victory.

6. Do not play in two halves. Rather, play in one half or three halves in order to completely differentiate yourselves from the heretics, the corrupted and the disobedient.

7. If neither of you beats the other, or "wins", as it is called, and neither puts the leather between the posts, do not add extra time or penalties. Instead leave the field, because winning with extra time and penalty kicks is the pinnacle of imitating heretics and international rules.

8. Young crowds should not gather to watch when you play because if you are there for the sake of sports and strengthening your bodies as you claimed, why would people watch you? You should make them join your physical fitness and jihad preparation, or you should say: "Go proselytise and seek out morally reprehensible acts in the markets and the press and leave us to our physical fitness."

9. You should spit in the face of whoever puts the ball between the posts or uprights and then runs in order to get his friends to follow him and hug him like players in America or France do, and you should punish him, for what is the relationship between celebrating, hugging and kissing and the sports that you are practising?

10. You should use two posts instead of three pieces of wood or steel that you erect in order to put the ball between them, meaning that you should remove the crossbar in order not to imitate the heretics and in order to be entirely distinct from the soccer system's despotic international rules.

11. Do not do what is called "substitution," that is, taking the place of someone who has fallen, because this is a practice of the heretics in America and elsewhere.

GUYS AND GALS...

The difference between "guts" and "balls"...

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, beingassaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are youstill cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling ofperfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the assand having the balls to say, "You're next."