New on the Hit Parade!

S. Com tells your future.

Your horrorscope by S. Com


Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 21) : Things will be pretty dark for you today, unless you remember to buy new torch batteries.

Taurus (Apr 21 - May 21) : You'll probably eat cold, raw food again today. Try to remember to get that gas cylinder filled! Be cheerful, though, and remember that your ancestors lived like this and survived - 25,000 years ago.

Gemini (May 21 - Jun 22) : There will be a programme on TV tonight that you'll love. Bummer that you can't watch it 'cause it's on during your allotted "block" in the Eskom disco derby.

Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 23) : Thought you were smart buying that generator? But we know you're going to run out of fuel tonight and the nearest working petrol station is 20km away. As you get there, we'll cut their power. Sorry.

Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 24) : Another morning without that essential cup of coffee awaits you. If you make it to 10am we'll reward you with enough power to make some, but by then you'll probably have killed 3 people and severely injured a 4th. (Don't worry, though. This is the New SA - you'll probably get away with it.)

Virgo (Aug 24- Sep 23) : Not for very much longer. What else is there to do after dark?

Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 23) : Your star-sign stands for fairness and justice. That's why we're going to hit your area with three 2hr outages a day, while the area where your local MP stays will enjoy uninterrupted power throughout.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 23) : Your area's assigned outage "block" is from 10:00 to 12:30. Expect the power to go off any time before or after that. And don't think it will only be out for two-and-a-half hours, either.

Sagittarius (Nov 23- Dec 22) : Today you'll buy some food that is apparently within its sell-by date. What you won't realize is that the sell-by date is for food that has been stored in a constantly operating fridge.. Although you'll get severe food poisoning, we think you may survive if you can find an emergency ward that has back-up generators. Good luck!

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 21) : Don't bother to go to work today. During the hours when you actually will have electricity, your network provider will not, so you won't be able to do anything anyway. Stay home and well.. there's not much to do there either, is there?

Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 20) : Today you'll get so fed up with our incompetence that you'll decide to emigrate. We regret to inform you that this is no longer possible. The airports have all shut down, because - well think about it! They need electricity to run the place!! You ain't going - nowhere.

Pisces (Feb 20 - Mar 21) : Today all your hopes and dreams will come true. You'll have power during "Days of Our Lives".

If today is your birthday : Use lots and lots of candles on that cake - even if they don't reflect your age. How else are you going to see to open the presents?

International Symbol for marriage

SEX LIFE OF AN ELECTRON

I got this in an email...enjoy

One night when his charge was at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute little coil to discharge him. He picked up Millie Amp and took her for a ride on his megacycle. They rode across the wheat stone bridge, around the sine wave, and into the magnetic field next to the flowing current. Micro Farad, attracted by Millie's characteristic curve, soon had her field fully excited. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. He inserted it in parallel and began to short circuit her shunt. Fully excited, Millie cried out, "ohm, ohm, give me mho". With his tube at maximum output and her coil vibrating from the current flow, her shunt soon reached maximum heat. The excessive current had shorted her shunt, and Micro's capacity was rapidly discharged, and every electron was drained off. They fluxed all night, tried various connections and hookings until his bar magnet had lost all of its strength, and he could no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so they ended up reversing polarity and blowing each other's fuses.

NEW BULLSHIT IN A BAG...

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD...

Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit! Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit. Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose. When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

Spread the word, that is, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit! Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head........... Well, Shit Happens!!!

Cellulite....

"Cellulite is not an imperfection, those dimples are saying "im sexy" in braille ..... "

;)

Strangers on a train

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Although they were embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 am , the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold".

"I have a better idea, " she replied. " Just for tonight, let's just pretend that we're married. "
"Wow! That's a great idea! " he exclaimed!

"Good, " she replied... " Get your own f***ing blanket. "

After a stunned moment of silence, he farted.

If you ever feel a little stupid...

If you ever feel a little stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius .

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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USAcontest .
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .
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" I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett , Universityof Kentuckybasketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washingtonhas one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
-- Mayor Marion Barry , Washington , DC.
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Philliesmanager, Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Al Gore , Vice President
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"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."
-- Dan Quayle
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-- Lee Iacocca
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein ."

-- Joe Theisman , NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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"We don'! t necessarilydiscriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman , ROTC Instrutor .
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
-- Keppel Enderbery
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
-- Mark S. Fowler , FCC Chairman
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Feeling smarter yet?