Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

An open letter to a complete Moron

Today I decided to add here after many months of absence.

I figured that we've all had one of these in our lives, so I figured it's better suited to Verbal Shit.

Dear Twit,

Please don't send me smses ranting and raving about things I honestly don't care about.
Twit, please don't accuse close members of my family for something that you have clearly misunderstood.
Twit, please don't insult my intelligence by attempting to turn it around and say that I've misunderstood.
Yes Twit, include your in-laws in your petty issues. Remember, in-laws will use it against you when you have a petty argument (because let's face it, shit like this tends to crop up at that moment).
Yes Twit, continue talking, you will eventually get caught out in your stupidity.
Twit, I shall inform members of my family to no longer inform you of people that are using you to play in their twisted game as it clearly gets misinterpreted when we do.
Twit, please don't tell people that you've attempted to contact me. A, "Ramadaan Mubarak" sms does not mean that you have contacted me. It's a forward. It's sent to millions of other people on your contact list. If it was sent to my email, it would go straight to junk mail. If you did try to contact me, an actual personal email or phone call would get a decent response instead of a forwarded one.
Twit, I don't know why you are trying to contact me when you're the one that booted out our friendship. I got the hint - I found better friends :)
Twit, please, please DELETE me from your phone, e-mail, etc. I'm not interested in your sad stories. I stopped being interested when you spread rumours about me.
Twit, PLEASE stop denying it. I have the evidence.
Twit, by the time I've finished this letter, I won't even remember your name or who you are or why I even share oxygen with you.

Thank you Twit.

Sincerely,

Most People out there

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Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work

Source

(Found this while surfing on Poogle - it seems appropriate for this blog)

Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car & speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee): When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the shitter. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN): This is a group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: A pooper who does not realize that you're in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. TURD BURGLARS have been know to cause premature pinchage, which inevitably causes you to pinch one off in the middle.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert all potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

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