An open letter to a complete Moron

Today I decided to add here after many months of absence.

I figured that we've all had one of these in our lives, so I figured it's better suited to Verbal Shit.

Dear Twit,

Please don't send me smses ranting and raving about things I honestly don't care about.
Twit, please don't accuse close members of my family for something that you have clearly misunderstood.
Twit, please don't insult my intelligence by attempting to turn it around and say that I've misunderstood.
Yes Twit, include your in-laws in your petty issues. Remember, in-laws will use it against you when you have a petty argument (because let's face it, shit like this tends to crop up at that moment).
Yes Twit, continue talking, you will eventually get caught out in your stupidity.
Twit, I shall inform members of my family to no longer inform you of people that are using you to play in their twisted game as it clearly gets misinterpreted when we do.
Twit, please don't tell people that you've attempted to contact me. A, "Ramadaan Mubarak" sms does not mean that you have contacted me. It's a forward. It's sent to millions of other people on your contact list. If it was sent to my email, it would go straight to junk mail. If you did try to contact me, an actual personal email or phone call would get a decent response instead of a forwarded one.
Twit, I don't know why you are trying to contact me when you're the one that booted out our friendship. I got the hint - I found better friends :)
Twit, please, please DELETE me from your phone, e-mail, etc. I'm not interested in your sad stories. I stopped being interested when you spread rumours about me.
Twit, PLEASE stop denying it. I have the evidence.
Twit, by the time I've finished this letter, I won't even remember your name or who you are or why I even share oxygen with you.

Thank you Twit.

Sincerely,

Most People out there

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Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work

Source

(Found this while surfing on Poogle - it seems appropriate for this blog)

Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car & speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee): When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the shitter. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN): This is a group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: A pooper who does not realize that you're in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. TURD BURGLARS have been know to cause premature pinchage, which inevitably causes you to pinch one off in the middle.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert all potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

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Campus Notices

New on the Hit Parade!

S. Com tells your future.

Your horrorscope by S. Com


Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 21) : Things will be pretty dark for you today, unless you remember to buy new torch batteries.

Taurus (Apr 21 - May 21) : You'll probably eat cold, raw food again today. Try to remember to get that gas cylinder filled! Be cheerful, though, and remember that your ancestors lived like this and survived - 25,000 years ago.

Gemini (May 21 - Jun 22) : There will be a programme on TV tonight that you'll love. Bummer that you can't watch it 'cause it's on during your allotted "block" in the Eskom disco derby.

Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 23) : Thought you were smart buying that generator? But we know you're going to run out of fuel tonight and the nearest working petrol station is 20km away. As you get there, we'll cut their power. Sorry.

Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 24) : Another morning without that essential cup of coffee awaits you. If you make it to 10am we'll reward you with enough power to make some, but by then you'll probably have killed 3 people and severely injured a 4th. (Don't worry, though. This is the New SA - you'll probably get away with it.)

Virgo (Aug 24- Sep 23) : Not for very much longer. What else is there to do after dark?

Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 23) : Your star-sign stands for fairness and justice. That's why we're going to hit your area with three 2hr outages a day, while the area where your local MP stays will enjoy uninterrupted power throughout.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 23) : Your area's assigned outage "block" is from 10:00 to 12:30. Expect the power to go off any time before or after that. And don't think it will only be out for two-and-a-half hours, either.

Sagittarius (Nov 23- Dec 22) : Today you'll buy some food that is apparently within its sell-by date. What you won't realize is that the sell-by date is for food that has been stored in a constantly operating fridge.. Although you'll get severe food poisoning, we think you may survive if you can find an emergency ward that has back-up generators. Good luck!

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 21) : Don't bother to go to work today. During the hours when you actually will have electricity, your network provider will not, so you won't be able to do anything anyway. Stay home and well.. there's not much to do there either, is there?

Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 20) : Today you'll get so fed up with our incompetence that you'll decide to emigrate. We regret to inform you that this is no longer possible. The airports have all shut down, because - well think about it! They need electricity to run the place!! You ain't going - nowhere.

Pisces (Feb 20 - Mar 21) : Today all your hopes and dreams will come true. You'll have power during "Days of Our Lives".

If today is your birthday : Use lots and lots of candles on that cake - even if they don't reflect your age. How else are you going to see to open the presents?